I just yelled at the man who runs the repair company. That’s after I yelled at the young woman who answered the phone. You know, I don’t yell much usually. My dad yelled a lot. Most of the time. He had a lot of anger. I’m not sure why. I know that I feel out of control when I get afraid. Maybe he was afraid a lot. Because it seemed like he was always angry.
I got afraid outloud at some people who didn’t deserve me to yell at them. I could feel it, floating above my body. I couldn’t stop the heat in the center of my breast bone–and the twist in my stomach. I yelled more as I felt more afraid.
I get more afraid as I hear him telling me that they won’t fix my dishwasher. I don’t care about the dishwasher. But I am afraid because I have been paying a $40 a month for five months without anyone telling me they won’t fix my appliances because there are mice in my house (well, in august when they came..they have died now). Still I yell. Still I feel a failure and I yell more.
i am afraid because I think that my life trying to make a living will never get easier. I was afraid because I am so tired and afraid I won’t be able to keep up the pace of all the jobs I have that don’t pay enough to pay my bills so I get more jobs to try and come close.
I just got afraid. Afraid that I am not capable and smart and creative. Afraid that I am not good at what I do. Afraid I follow a path but I make foolish and failing decisions. Afraid I will not be able to do it. Whatever it is. I just am afraid.
But the thing is. I don’t believe that about myself…usually at least. I do lean in and step up. I do what I do because I think I contribute to a better world.
Maybe my dad yelled all the time because he couldn’t get to the other side of the equation…not foolish but kind, not failing but present. Not inadequate but human. with a heart that is paying attention. I am still afraid, but the heat is gone and I feel the sad.
When the man from the repair company calls back saying my part is in, I will apologize for being afraid of being afraid. and yelling.